Jokes and Humour

Good IntentionsOne day a boy came to his teacher and said: "Teacher, Pa wants to know if you like roast pig."I certainly do," said the teacher, "and you tell your father he is very kind to think of me."Days passed, and nothing more was said about the roast pig.Finally the teacher said to the boy: "I     

Another way

A man sits in a restaurant.He wraps the napkinaround his neck.So the manager calls over a waitress. "Tell the man that's impossible in our restaurant,"says the manager."But try to be tactful."The waitress goes to the man's table and asks."Shave     

The Altruistic Barber

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day.When the priest tried to pay for the haircut,the barber refused,saying:"You do God's work."The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut,and again the barber refused payment,saying:"You protect the public."The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut,and again the barber refused payment,saying:"You serve…     

Mr.No Moves to China

The word "no" is one of the first words English-speaking children usually say when they are learning to talk. This is because they hear it so often from their parents."No, sweetie, do not play with the television." "No, dearest son, do not pull Mommy's hair." It was no surprise to me when my son began saying "no" to everything when he was 18 months old. He would often copy the way we reprimanded him, even shaking his little finger at us, much to our amusement.     

You Should Tell Me 3 Days Ago

阅读短文,掌握其大意,并从各题所给的四个选项中选出一个最佳答案。 It was a quarter to six.Mrs Black_her husband stop the car outside the house and_went out to speak tohim. "what's the matter,dear?"he asked."You look_." "I'm afraid I made a terrible_today,John,"said the woman."Mr Smith called me about half an hour ago.Wegot talking and then_thinking.I asked her and her husband to come and have dinner with us this evening." "Well,dear,"said Mr Black."That's_!We'll soon get ready for it.On the other hand(另一方面),we_them two months ago."     

QQE点通

Five hundred ducksOne day, a gentleman teacher talked to the two annoying girl students,"Two women are one thousand ducks."After a while, the teacher's wife came to the school to see him. One of the two girl students said to their teacher, "Five hundred ducks are looking for you out of the door, sir."     

什么时候开始喝?

An angry drunk was shouting at the police station. "What I want to know is - what was I brought in for?"You were brought in for drinking."repied the sergeant."That's marvelous."said the drunk. "When do     

I Go to School by Car

Story: The class is talking about how they go to school every day. Kathy says, "I go to school by car." Leo says, "I go to school on foot." Phoebe answers, "I go to school by subway with my dad." And the class asks Miss Grant, "How do you go to school?" Miss Grant answers, "I go to school by motorcycle." The class says, "Wow, so cool!"     

轻松学英语

Always Thirsty 总感到口渴 "I had an operation,"said a man to his friend,"and the doctor left a sponge in me." "That's terrible!"said the friend."Got any pain?" "No,but l am always thirsty!" 一个男人对他的朋友说:"我动了一次手术,手术后医生把一块海绵忘在我的身体里了." "真是太糟糕了!"朋友说道:"你觉得疼吗?" "不疼,可是我总感到口渴." What's Wrong With Your Horse? 马有什么毛病吗? After his beloved horse died,a man wanted to place an ad in the newspaper like this:Horse saddle and bridle for $50. Inadvertently (非故意地) the paper added a comma to the ad,which read instead:Horse,saddle and bridle for $50. Immediately someone responded to the ad."That's an awfully cheap price for a horse," said the caller.What's wrong with your horse?"     

小蜘蛛上学

Spider is a new student. He goes to the Animal School. Rabbit, Monkey, Piggy and Bird say hello to him. Rabbit says: "I’m No. One." Monkey says: "I’m No. Two." Piggy says: "I’m No. Three." Bird says: "I’m No. Four." "Fall in, children." Mr. Bear says. Spider stands in the first place, "Now, I’m No. One." They laugh.     

An Unusual Punishment

One day Jack broke his mother's glass. When shesaw the broken glass, she cried, "Jack, your father isgoing to punish(惩罚)you." "I'm too upset(沮丧)to punish you now." said Jack'sfather."I'll do it after supper."     

Funny Stories

1 Before the Trouble Starts A man went into a bar "sat down" called the barman and said to him, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." The barman was busy with other people, so he did not say anything, but he gave the man the drink, and the man drank it quickly. Then he put his glass down, called the barman again and said to him, "Give me another one before the trouble starts."     

五粒豌豆的故事

The shell burst,and the five peas rolled out into the bright sunshine.There they lay in a child's hand.The little boy said they were fine peas for his pea-shooter.And immediately he put one in and shot it out."Now I am flying out into the wide world," said the pea, "Catch me if you can," and he was gone in a moment."I," said the second, "want to fly straight to the sun." And went away."We will go to sleep wherever we find ourselves," said the two next, "We shall still be rolling onwards," They felt on the floor,and roll about before they go into the pea-shooter;but they were put in it. "We shall go farther than the others," said they."What is to happen will happen," said the last,as he was shot out of the pea-shooter;and as he spoke he flew up against an old board under a window of an old house,and fell into a little crevice.The moss closed round him,and there he lay.     

我还只是个宝宝!

Marty Mckay was already five years old,but he was still the baby of the family. "Can I have some tea,too?" Marty asked his mother. "No,Marty.You're too young to drink tea." "But,why?" Marty asked. "Because your fingers are too tiny to hold the cup.And the tea is too hot for you,baby."     

A TASTY MEAL

A tourist in Africa sent his mother an exotic bird for her birthday. When he got back to the Stateshe called her."Hi Mom".he said."How'd you like the bird I gave you﹖" "It was elicious." "You ate the bird"the guy shrieked "He was very expensive. He could talk." "well,if he was so smart". replied the mother"Why didn't he say something﹖"A TASTY MEAL…     

The Young Rooster

A young Rooster(公鸡)was summoned(被叫到)to his Father’s bedside (床边)."Son,my time has come to an end,"said the aged bird."Now it is your turn to crow up the morning sun each day." The young Rooster watched sadly his Father’s life slipped away (逝去). Early the next morning,the young Rooster flew up to the roof of the barn(棚子). He stood there,facing the east. "I have never done this before,"said the Rooster. "     

My Lips Are Sealed

This statement is used——sometimes humorously, sometimes sarcastically——to say, "I'm not going to tell you," or"I'm not going to answer that question." "I know the answer to the riddle but my lips are sealed.     

沉默的声音

Four monks decided to meditate silently without speaking for two weeks.By nightfall on the first day,the candle began to flicker and then went out. I The first monk said, "Oh,no!The candle is out."The second monk said,"Aren't we not supposed to talk?" The third monk said, "Why must you two break the silence?"The fourth monk laughed and said, "Ha! I'm the only one who didn't speak."     

Jokes

A Flower "Last night, I stood below the window of my girlfriend and sang love songs toher. She threw down a flower towards me." "Then, how do you explain the scar on your head? " "Oh, she had forgotten to take the flower out of the flowerpot."     

幽默与笑话(英文)

A Two little boys were discussing their future."What are you going to be when you grow up?"asked one of them."A soldier,"answered the other."What if you get killed?""Who would want to kill me?""The enemy."The other boy thought this over and said finally:"OK,then,I’ll be the enemy."